If you had initially met someone in person prior to
becoming geographically separated, then you would have
some foundation from which to build your relationship by
staying in contact virtually. However, if you instead met
someone online first, then you need to be aware of the
potential that dating virtually, i.e., via the internet
and telephone only, can lead to the creation of a
"pseudo-intimacy." So here are a few tips to help you get
the most out of virtual dating prior to meeting in person.
After exchanging a few emails to determine if you want
to pursue the relationship, I suggest that you graduate to
talking on the telephone pretty quickly. Once you feel the
relationship is progressing, it's important that you
discuss when you're going to meet in person.
If meeting in person isn't possible for a number of
weeks or months, then I suggest that you make a schedule
as to when, and for how long, you'll talk on the phone.
You can supplement your phone calls with email or instant
messaging, as well as with snail (postal) mail. Attempt to
discuss current events, rather than "what it'll be like
when we're together," or bemoaning your separate
geographical fate. Creating and maintaining this type of
structure over your virtual contact should help you to
feel more in control and comfortable in a situation where
there really is no structure.
Now I can better explain what I mean when I say that
dating virtually can lead to a "pseudo-intimacy." If you
haven't met in person, it's difficult to know if the
chemistry you feel over the phone has any basis in
reality. After all, you really only have a picture and
voice to go on! Unfortunately, the internet and the
telephone lend themselves to create environments where it
is easier to let down your defenses, and say things
without knowing how your message "lands" on another
person.
My advice to singles who meet virtually is to ALWAYS do
whatever it takes to meet in person, and as soon as
possible. This way, you give your feelings a chance to
"check in" with your dating partner in the real world,
which is where you're going to live together eventually
anyway, right?!
© Copyright 2005 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.
About Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. Practicing
as a psychologist for over 20 years, Janice has treated
many singles looking to get married, but who had become
depressed and demoralized by the dating process. She now
uses her skills and experience to help healthy singles
overcome the obstacles preventing them from attaining the
relationships and lives they really want. Janice has been
quoted in Cosmopolitan Magazine, writes the "Love Coach"
advice column on
http://www.JMatch.com, has a free e-newsletter and
gives teleclasses, lectures and workshops. Check out her
"Get Your Love Right!" blog, read other dating-related
Q's&A's and articles, and sign up for a complimentary 40
minute telephone coaching session by visiting her website
at
http://www.DoctorLoveCoach.com
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