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Over the years, singles have asked me if they should
disclose their relationship history with their dating
partners. While some of this information may be important
for a potential partner to know, there are a few
guidelines that I recommend before deciding to "bare all."
Dear Janice, I am about to propose to a woman I've
known for 15 years. We were friends in college, married
other people, but now both of us are divorced. What I'm
wondering is this -- Is it proper for me to ask about her
past relationships and/or sex life ? If so, what types of
questions are okay? George
Dear George, I'm a little surprised that you're asking
for permission to inquire into your girlfriend's
relationship history this late in the game. My question to
you is this -- What difference would it make if you had
this information? My hope is that the answer would be "not
much." So is it "proper" for you to ask about her past
relationships and/or sex life? At this point, I'd have to
say "no," yet with a caveat.
Before you propose, you can ask her if there is
anything in her relationship history, or something that
she learned in a previous relationship, that she thinks
would be important for you to know. An example might be,
"Well, my previous husband refused to help around the
house which was a big source of arguments between us. So I
need you to know that making the effort to keep things
tidy is very important to me."
Basically, the focus needs to be on sharing historical
information that would have potential relevance in your
current relationship. I get concerned when I hear about
singles engaging in long conversations with a potential
dating partner about what led to the destruction of their
previous relationships. And sometimes they haven't even
met yet!
When singles talk about their past relationship
failures, they shift the focus off of building a present,
and possibily even a future, with another person. Instead,
the focus can shift to seeing your dating partner as
someone who is inherently rejectable. Therefore, I have to
emphasize the importance of remaining vigilant while
dating to NOT talk about past relationship failures.
But if you do feel the need to disclose aspects of your
relationship history, then you should do so by emphasizing
what you learned, not just about yourself, but about the
kind of relationship you ultimately want.
Asking for a sexual history though is a bit more
complicated. I think it's best to be sure that both of you
get tested not just for any sexually transmitted diseases,
but for genetically transmitted diseases as well. The
results should provide you with enough relevant
information to spark a conversation about moving the
relationship forward, or not.
If you have been dating "consciously" all along, then
you probably have already listened carefully to what your
dating partner has said, and paid close attention to her
many behaviors, to have determined that she is a good
candidate for your life partner. Remember though, people
do grow and change over time. The decision to propose
should ideally be based on the knowledge that you've
accumulated while in an exclusive relationship. Giving
more credence to historical information will not
necessarily move you forward -- it will just keep you in
the past.
© Copyright 2005 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.
About Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. Practicing
as a psychologist for over 20 years, Janice has treated
many singles looking to get married, but who had become
depressed and demoralized by the dating process. She now
uses her skills and experience to help healthy singles
overcome the obstacles preventing them from attaining the
relationships and lives they really want. Janice has been
quoted in Cosmopolitan Magazine, writes the "Love Coach"
advice column on
http://www.JMatch.com, has a free e-newsletter and
gives teleclasses, lectures and workshops. Check out her
"Get Your Love Right!" blog, read other dating-related
Q's&A's and articles, and sign up for a complimentary 40
minute telephone coaching session by visiting her website
at
http://www.DoctorLoveCoach.com
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